


It's Not as Much Fun To Pick Up the Pieces

by Allamarain



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Multi, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Pansexual Doctor, physical abuse (mild)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamarain/pseuds/Allamarain
Summary: There’s a reason the Doctor travels with young women. Not only are they astounded at the wonders of space and time, they lack the relationship experience to realize they’re being used.A prequel of sorts to “Devoted” by spoilersweetie.





	1. Rose (I)

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter will reference the events of “Rose”, “Aliens of London/World War III”, “Dalek”, "The Parting of the Ways", “The Christmas Invasion”, “The Girl in the Fireplace”, and “Doomsday”.

It started, really, the very first time they met. When the Doctor took her hand and told her to run. 

As they traveled together, Rose found herself focused on everything the Doctor did. Standing close to her. Brushing against her as he moved around the console. Holding her hand. Telling her how beautiful she was. He took her to shops on alien planets and picked out clothing and jewelry for her. 

“This looks really expensive” she remarked, trying on a blue jacket. It was finely tailored and fit her like a dream.  
“Don’t worry about the cost.” He grinned. “Only the best for you.”

She hadn’t dated a lot of boys before, but she knew the signs of romantic interest when she saw it. She had no idea how someone so big, amazing, so larger than life, like the Doctor, could see anything in an ordinary girl from a council estate. And she basked in every moment of it. 

—

After leaving Utah in 2012, Adam had gone to bed after checking out the TARDIS, and the Doctor had ranted on about the Daleks, all the destruction they had caused throughout the universe.

“And they just keep coming! I have faced them, so many times.” He looked up at the ceiling, his arms raised. “I have faced them, so many times!” 

“But you’ve beaten them every time, haven’t you?” she said, taking his hand. “Because you’re stronger than they are. Smarter. Better.” She emphasized the last word.

He looked in her eyes, “I’m really not. Better than a Dalek, I mean. I’ve caused the deaths of so many, my body count might rank up with theirs.” 

She put moved her hand to his shoulder. “But you have saved so, so many others. You’ve saved Earth, several times just since we’ve known each other.” 

He reached out to stroke her hair “Rose..you’re so kind…and pure…I don’t deserve any of this.”

“You’re wrong.” She drew closer, their lips centimeters apart. 

And then he kissed her, hungrily, as if he were starving and she was the only source of nourishment, and before she knew it, he was pulling off her clothes.

\--  
The next morning, Rose laid in bed, half awake, thinking of the events of the night before. She felt a flutter in her chest. She was alone. The Doctor hadn't stayed long afterwards, saying he take care of some things.

He’d been the best lover she’d ever had, much better than Mickey, who tended to fumble around a bit. She bit her lip; she hadn’t though of him once in the past twenty four hours, not even when she thought the Dalek was going to kill her. They weren’t exclusive, she told herself. It was something of a lie. They’d never had the talk about being exclusive, but they’d been dating a while.

It didn’t matter. The Doctor had done something for her that Mickey, nor any of her prior boyfriends had done before. All it took was to look at him and her heart swelled. She was in love, really in love, for the first time. And he loved her too; she was sure of it. Sure, he hadn’t said it, and maybe he didn’t even realize it yet. Men, whatever their species, could be a little weird about saying it. But he must; even the Dalek could see it.

—  
 _London, UK, 2005_

“Here we are. Powell Estate. Only twelve hours gone this time, I promise.” The Doctor looked up from the console. “Got any big plans?” 

She smiled. “Won’t be long. Just gonna see Mum for tea. Tell her about my boyfriend.” She gave him a knowing look.

His expression darkened. “No. You can’t do that.”

“What? Why not? I know you think Mum would sell a story about her daughter’s alien boyfriend to the tabloids, but I’ll make her be quiet.” 

“Rose, you can’t tell anyone what we’re doing here.” His tone was stern. “Not your friends, not Ricky…”

“Mickey.” She rolled her eyes.

“Fine, Mickey, and you especially can’t tell your mum.” He took her hands. “Look, we’ve got something special. None of those human sheep are going to understand us, what we’re doing here. If you tell your mum, she will interfere. Make you stay home. You’ll never see me again.”

“I can handle Mum.” She smirked. Really, she had thought the Doctor was less paranoid than this.

“I can’t take that chance. Promise me you won’t tell her.” He was still holding her hands. She yanked them away. 

“Just for that, I’m going to tell her everything, including about that time in the micrograv room.” She started for the door, but he blocked her way.

“I can’t let you leave until you promise.” A fury burned in his eyes as he grabbed her shoulders.

“Doctor! Let go of me!” She struggled to get away, but his grip was firm, and for the first time, she felt afraid of him. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Just say you won’t tell your mum, and I’ll let go. Please.” He added.

“Fine! I won’t say anything!” he immediately let go, and she stepped back. “What the hell?!” Her voice was angry, but her body trembled.

“I’m sorry Rose.” He looked down. “I just..I don’t want to lose you. Or anything to happen to us. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.”

After losing his whole race, he must have gotten carried away with the thought of losing her too. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She leaned forward and hugged him, “You think you can lose me that easily? I’m staying with you for as long as you’ll let me.” 

He hugged back. “That could be a long time.”

“I hope it is.” She let go. “I should be going. Mum’s probably heard the TARDIS and is wondering where I am.”

“Off you go then. Just remember..not a word.” His eyes darkened again. “Oh, and one more thing…not really into the ‘boyfriend’” idea.

“Gentleman friend?” she asked

“Let’s not put labels on things.” His expression was unchanged.

In her flat, Rose had tea with her mum and listened to her prattle on about the neighbors, the latest celebrity gossip, and her most recent beau. She half paid attention while thinking of what had happened with the Doctor. He usually reserved that kind of anger for hostile aliens. Had she done something wrong? She knew he was paranoid about privacy, erasing his existence from the internet. Maybe that was it. 

“Rose,” Jackie said suddenly. “Is everything all right?”

“Oh yeah, everything’s fine.” She gave a forced smile. “Why?”

“Normally, after you’ve been travelin’ with the Doctor, you come bouncin’ in, tellin’ me about all your adventures. But you’ve barely said anythin’ since you walked in.” she frowned. “Did something happen with you and the Doctor?”

She thought for a moment about telling what happened. She always talked to Mum about her boyfriends and her relationship difficulties. But she thought of what the Doctor had said, that she wouldn’t understand. And she knew Mum didn’t like the Doctor very much. But she was a grown woman now, and she could make her own choices.

“Oh, just thinking about the place we just came from. Big ice planet.” She took a sip of tea. “Let me tell you all about it.”

She talked at great length, telling her mum about the different animals they’d seen living on the planet. Jackie nodded along, but kept a wary gaze on her daughter. 

—  
 _The 42nd century, somewhere near Alpha Centuri_

Everything went smoothly for several months after that. Alone in the TARDIS again after Adam’s departure, they were going at it like rabbits. In between romps in the sack, they traveled all over space and time. 

Rose got a call from her friend Shireen, inviting her to come over for her birthday. She hadn’t seen any of her friends in ages, not since she started traveling with the Doctor. She was looking forward to catching up with them, even if she’d have to obscure the details of what she’d been up to. Shireen had called her a week before the party was set to take place, but the advantage of having a time machine was they could go now.

She found the Doctor in the console room. “Hey, wanna go to a party? My mate Shireen’s 21st. Nothing fancy, just a bunch of people at her house. Probably drinking and watching footie.” 

“Nah. Bunch of kids watching telly? Sounds boring.” He frowned. “I’ve got ten different planets we can check out.”

“I’d like to go. Can you drop me off?” she asked. “It’s September 21, 2005. Probably get there around 8, be fashionably late.”

“I’m not your taxi service, Rose.” He scowled as he looked at the monitor. 

“I know! I’d just like to go.”

“Why?!” he nearly shouted. “Why would you want to spend your time with them?! Ordinary, boring people doing ordinary, boring things.”

She was about to shout back when she remembered what had happened before. “Yeah, I guess it’s just the same old thing, but it can be fun. But don’t have to, it’s fine.”

He stopped what he was doing and looked up at her. “Rose, I can’t believe you would consider ditching me to go to a party? Aren’t I important to you?!”

“Yeah, but…”

“But nothing!” he angrily paced around the console room. “Why am I doing this? Why do I take you anywhere?! You don’t appreciate it!!”

“I do appreciate it!” she cried. “I love everything that you’ve shown me, everything we’ve done!” 

“Are you sure? Cause I can take you home right now. For good.” He pulled a lever.

“No, no, no, don’t do that!” she pleaded. “I want to stay with you. Please.” 

He was silent for a minute, and said “Okay, fine.” He pushed a few buttons on the console, and immediately grinned “Where should we go next?”

She called Shireen later, after the fact, to apologize for not making it to the party. Not telling her the reason of course. She told herself the Doctor was right; why go see regular humans when there was a whole universe to explore? But for the rest of her time traveling with the Doctor, she never made plans with friends again. 

\--  
 _London, UK, Christmas, 2005_

The Doctor had died, saving her from the energy she’d absorbed while looking into the heart of the TARDIS. A new Doctor, with a new body, had taken his place.

At first Rose was in disbelief. Then she was disgusted that this new Doctor laid in bed while the Sycorax were invading Earth. But he’d sprung to life just in time, defeated their leader in a sword duel, and sent them on their way. This new Doctor looked younger, and-dare she think it?-more handsome.

“What are you going to do next?” They were watching the pieces of the Sycorax ship, blown up on Prime Minister Jones’ orders.

“Back to the TARDIS. Same old life.” He replied.

“On your own?”

“Why? Don’t you want to come?” 

“Yeah.” He might have a new body, but he was still the Doctor. And she still loved him. 

After they’d had Christmas dinner with Mickey and Jackie, they went back to the TARDIS alone. An uncomfortable silence hung between them. 

She shifted her weight uncomfortably “So…new face...new body…new likes and dislikes?”

“Some. Not always.” He gave her a knowing grin. “For instance, pears. Always hate pears. Not sure what else I like.” He reached out and stroked her cheek. “But I’ve got a few ideas.”

He turned out to be gentler than his previous incarnation, who had liked it rough. Some days, she’d been barely able to walk afterwards. Amazing how two men, so different, could produce the same flutter in her chest. 

\--  
 _SS Madame Du Pompadour, 51st Century_

Rose, Mickey, and the Doctor were about to leave the spaceship inhabited by clockwork droids, once they’d stopped them from trying to harvest Reinette, a 17th century French courtesan, via a time window. They’d succeeded, but the Doctor was quiet as they walked back.

Rose was also perturbed. She’d been scared when the droids had her on the table, trying to harvest her body parts for the ship. But the way he’d been acting since returning from the time window-he looked heartbroken. Mickey had teased her earlier about the Doctor knowing a lot of women. She tried to brush it off, but deep inside, she was worried. She thought of earlier, when he’d come back, tipsy, rambling on about bananas and parties. What had happened?

Mickey had asked her to show him around the TARDIS. She made a perfunctory sweep around the kitchen, the library, the swimming pool (Mickey gaped at that), and the workshop. She wanted to go back to the Doctor and have a word in private, and she knew just the thing to distract Mickey.

“Here’s the media room.” she stood in the doorway “Lots of movies, some of which haven’t been written yet. Alien soap operas. We’ve instituted a ban on game shows, but we do have a PS 2.”

“No way!” Mickey’s eyes lit up. “Does the Doctor like video games?!” 

“Sometimes, but he can be really competitive.” She assured him. “You know what? I need to take care of something. Why don’t you pick out something, and I’ll come play with you in a bit?”

“Yeah, all right.” Mickey didn’t take his eyes off the stack of games. “See you later.”

Rose went back to the conference room to find the Doctor holding a letter. “Hey, what’s up?”

He put the letter down and forced a smile. “Nothin’ much, just catching up on some reading. What should we see next? Should we make that trip to Barcelona?”

She crossed her arms. She had to know. “With Reinette..did you…?”

“Yeah.” His tone was brusque.

Her face crumpled. “Why? I thought we were…”

He cut her off. “Rose, I told you already, that’s not possible with us. And why.” He alluded to the conversation they’d had at the school a few days ago, that she would grow old and die while he remained, unaging and eternal. “You’re free to be with anyone you’d like.”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else.” She pouted.

He sighed. “I thought you were better than this. More evolved. Reinette understood it, why can’t you?” 

She didn’t know what to say to that. Finally she muttered it was fine and she was going to hang out with Mickey.

She walked into the hallway and slid to the floor, willing herself not to cry. The Doctor was the only man she loved, would ever love, and she was determined to hold on to him. She would prove that she was special, that she wasn’t like the other women who came before her. Whatever it took. Even if it killed her. 

\--  
 _London, UK (Pete’s World), 2006_

It had been a few days since Rose had found herself trapped in the parallel universe without the Doctor. After the initial fit of crying and pounding on the wall, she found and maintained a resolute calm. The Doctor would come back for her. He always did. Then they would keep traveling together, forever.

She waited, at first passing the days in her father’s mansion, spending time with her mum and Mickey. She took a job at Torchwood, where they’d be certain to spot the Doctor when he showed up.

Months went by. She was patient, certain that any day now, the TARDIS would materialize in front of her and he’d step out, handsome as ever, holding out his hand to her.

Then she heard him in a dream, her name being called. This was it! She quickly woke up her parents and Mickey, and they got in the car, following the signal, driving hundreds of miles to a beach in Norway.

She would later say it was the worst day of her life. Not because he was just a projection, or because he didn’t say “I love you.”

Because when she asked “Will I ever see you again?” he said “You can’t.”

Because the Doctor, ever so clever, didn’t even try to find a way back to her. She hadn’t given up on him, ever. She’d ripped apart the TARDIS to return to him. Why wouldn’t he do the same for her? She left Bad Wolf Bay, broken and defeated.


	2. Martha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references the episodes “Gridlock” “Human Nature/The Family of Blood”, “Blink”, and “The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords”, with a rewrite of the the last scene of “Last of the Time Lords”

_London, UK 2007_

As a med student, Martha had learned two very important skills. 

One was how to memorize hundreds of facts in a short time. The names of the bones and how they articulated with each other. The nerves. The muscles. The parts of a cell. The different morphologies of cancer. Familiarity with a patient’s complex medical history and medications, along with five to six others. 

The second was how to mask her feelings. To be pleasant with a patient after she’d just argued with a nurse who screwed up her orders. To be perky when she’d assisted in an emergency six hour surgery overnight and had only grabbed two hours of sleep in the call room. How to be calm, yet empathetic when giving a patient bad news.

When she started traveling with the Doctor, she thought the former would serve her best. Seeing different planets, meeting alien races, learning the different settings on the sonic screwdriver. She was prepared for that. She did well. But as time went on, it was the latter, hiding her feelings, that she relied on more and more. 

She thought of the first time they’d had sex, back on New Earth. It had been-weeks? Months? Ago? It was hard to tell when you traveled in time. As he told her about the Time War, about everyone he’d lost. He’d been alone for so long. It was the first time she’d seen his tough facade break. She couldn’t help it. She ran over to him and held him. And he’d kissed her. Not like the kiss at hospital, but with passion. Then he pulled her back into the TARDIS, and they hadn’t even made it to the bedrooms. 

Afterwards, he told her he couldn’t have a relationship with her. He was too old for her, too alien. But we can have fun, he grinned. Her heart fell. But she smiled back and lied, that it was fine, she wasn’t looking for a relationship. 

She loved him more than she ever thought it was possible to love another person. She knew he didn’t feel the same way about her, but she didn’t care. Perhaps he was too damaged, after losing so much, to love someone else. Maybe his species didn’t even have the concept of romantic love. So she kept quiet about her feelings. 

Occasionally it occurred to her this was a bad idea, but she pushed that away. She didn’t want him to be alone. He needed her. Plus, he must have cared about her a little bit, hopping through all of those cars on the motorway on New Earth to find her.

And plus, since they’d started sleeping together, he’d stopped mentioning Rose.

—  
 _Farringham, UK 1913_

“What the fuck am I doing here?!” Martha shouted to an empty TARDIS.

They’d been stuck in the godforsaken past for the past two months. The Doctor had turned himself human using the Chameleon Arch, while his Time Lord self was contained within a fob watch. He’d done it in order to hide from some kind of aliens that were after them; he hadn’t told her a lot. He was acting as a schoolteacher at an academy for overprivileged snotty brats. She was acting as his servant, scrubbing floors, making his tea, washing his clothes. Meanwhile, she ached every time she looked at him. His human alter ego, John Smith, looked and spoke exactly like the Doctor, but it wasn’t him. And he treated her not as a friend or a lover, but as hired help. 

She’d just walked in on the Doctor kissing Joan Redfern, the school nurse. Horrified, she’d turned and run back to the TARDIS and reviewed the Doctor’s instructions. Nothing about falling in love-and it was clear, even in that momentary interaction, he was madly in love with her. 

She was supposed to be a doctor, and now she was a goddamn _maid_. She’d been talked at, spit on, called racist names by the cadets. The school headmaster was just as bad, if not worse. All for a man who barely realized she existed. 

She was tempted to throw open that bloody fob watch. Show Matron Redfern exactly what kind of man he was. But she knew, deep down, she wouldn’t do that. She had to keep the Doctor safe from whatever it was he was hiding from. And she needed to find out more about that strange thing she’d seen in the sky. 

—  
They’d released the Doctor’s Time Lord self from the fob watch, restoring him. Martha was relieved he was back, but she was still upset about what had happened. He’d asked her to stay there while he dealt with The Family-the aliens he’d been hiding from. They’d tracked him down to this place and killed several people before he stopped them. She stood in the console room, waiting for his return, and trying to sort out her feelings.

The Doctor-now properly the Doctor-entered the TARDIS. She recognized the confident strides, differentiating him from Smith. Martha stood in front of him, her arms crossed.

“It’s done.” He told her. 

“What did you do to them?” She couldn’t keep the edge out of her voice.

“I put them somewhere they could never hurt anyone else again. Didn’t want to do that, but, well…they forced my hand.” He frowned. 

They stood looking at each other in silence. Martha fought to maintain her composure, to avoid screaming at him. Finally she settled on, “Is there anything else you want to say to me?”

“Martha, I’m sorry.” He looked sad. “For the way I treated you…and for firing you.” He had fired her when she tried to tell him what has happening with the Family, and the fob watch had gone missing. One of the schoolboys, Timothy, had taken it. But, if she was being honest with herself, her dismissal had been the least of her problems. She waited, seeing if he would apologize for anything else.

He didn’t.“We should get going. I was going to say goodbye to Joan before we went. Do you want to come with?”

She was boiling with rage at this point, but managed to get out. “No, I’m gonna take a shower. Wash all the grime from last night’s battle off me.” A warm shower would help calm her relax. 

She got undressed and let the warm water hit her, wondering if she should go back out there and let the Doctor have it, but also worrying about the consequences. She’d seen his anger now, properly. She thought of Timothy’s description of him, _He’s like fire and ice and rage_. Would he leave her stranded here? Throw her out of his ship in the middle of space? Maybe she could just ask to go home, but despite everything, she didn’t want to leave him. And if he to run about the universe alone, what kind of destruction would he cause? 

The door to the shower opened, and the Doctor stepped in.

“I thought you were going to see Joan.” She nearly spit out the last word.

“It can wait for a bit.” He stood behind her, kissing her neck, running her hands over her breasts. “Oh Martha, I’ve missed this.” He said. “Thing I don’t like, this time period. Obsession over female virtue. Joan wouldn’t let me.” 

As the Doctor spread her legs apart and fucked her, she was grateful to be in the shower, as the water covered her tears. 

—

_London, UK 1969_

“We’re stuck here?!” Martha gasped.

“No! Well..maybe for now.” admitted the Doctor. One moment, they’d been in 2007, and the next, they were in the same location in 1969, and they had no idea how it happened. They hadn’t seen anything unusual, no aliens, no tech out of place. The Doctor had thoroughly soniced everything in the vicinity, and Martha had asked passersby some questions. No one had reported any unusual activity.

“Okay, what do we know?” he spoke quicky. “We’re still on Earth, we’re definitely in the past. That rules out simulations, including transport to an alien ship. Amnesia?”

“Seems unlikely” she volunteered. “Neither of us has signs of head trauma. And we can remember everything that happened before we were here.”

“Good point.” He nodded. “We’ve been abducted by someone that can time travel. But who was it?! And whoever it was…why bring us _here_? There’s something familiar about all of this, but I can’t put my finger on it.” He paced around. “Argh! I’m so thick!” 

Hours passed with no progress. At Martha’s suggestion, they get a hotel room for the night. 

The Doctor woke up at 3am, sat up and immediately exclaimed “WESTER DRUMLINS!!”

“What?!” Bleary-eyed, she sat up and faced him, “What are you talking about?!”

“I know how to get out of here!” His eyes were wide. “Remember that girl, Sally, we met a while back? Ran a book shop?”

“I think so?” They’d only met briefly. 

“She told me I’d get stuck in 1969 one day and she gave me instructions on how to get back. Everything had already happened for her.” He got out of bed and started rifling through his pants…”Sonic…banana…here we go!” he pulled out a manila folder.

“Did you pull that out of your _pocket_?” her mouth gaped.

“They’re bigger on the inside.” He sat down on the bed. “Ohhhhh…Weeping Angels! I thought they were a legend!” he flipped through the rest of the documents. “It’s all here, everything we need…except it’s going to take a while.”

“How long?” she frowned.

“A few months. We have to wait for someone else to show up, who will relay the message to her.”  
He looked up at her. “How much money do you have?”

“Very little, and it’s all from the future.” He’d used his psychic paper to fake a reservation at the hotel.

“Then we’re going to need money. Tomorrow, go get a job.”

“Me!? Why me?” she was incredulous. “Can’t you go get a job as a scientist or something? Or be a teacher again?”

“What? Haven’t you had a job before?”

“Yeah.” Besides being a servant, she’d worked in a restaurant in high school.

“I haven’t, not really. Not as me. I’d be rubbish at it. Probably.”

“Ugh, fine.” She laid back down. “Wait, what was that word you said before?”

“What? Ohhh, Wester Drumlins? Yeah, it’s a house. We have to break into it in the morning. You should get some sleep. Good night.” 

Martha got a job in a shop, and they rented a room. The Doctor, in addition to building something called a “timey-wimey detector”, spent a lot of time moping and complaining about everything. Some days she’d come home to find he’d been laying in bed all day. He expected her to cook dinner and clean the place too. One time, she complained about it, and he gave her the silent treatment for two days. He did still want to have sex, often, and pressured her even when she wasn’t in the mood from a ten hour shift. She told herself _This must be so hard on him, being stuck in one place and one time_. But she believed in him when she said they were going to get the TARDIS back. So she gritted her teeth, put on a smile, and tried not to complain too much. 

Her perseverance paid off. They used the timey-wimey detector to find Billy Shipton, and then, a short time later, the TARDIS, when it was sent back from 2007. The Doctor was his usual jovial self again. _See? Now that he has the TARDIS back, we’ll keep exploring the universe together._ She told herself. _Everything is going to be fine_.

It wasn’t.

—  
 _Los Angeles, CA, USA 2007 (The Year That Wasn’t)_

Martha rode in a stolen US Army jeep through the wastelands of what had once been an undistinguished suburb. The houses were largely abandoned, the streets were littered with debris. She kept her head down, hoping she wouldn’t see any bodies this time.

It had been two months since the Master had unleashed the Toclafane on Earth, killing millions. He’d enslaved the human population, forcing them to work on an armada of rockets to attack other planets. 

She’d escaped from _The Valiant_ , leaving the Doctor, Captain Jack, and her family prisoner. The Doctor had briefly explained what to do: get as many people as possible to think of him at one time, and he’d be able to overpower The Master. She wasn’t sure exactly how it all worked, but they hadn’t had time for details. She was currently traveling all around the world, carrying out his instructions. She thought it would be most effective to travel to the largest population centers. She’d narrowly escaped death more times than she could count. But she had to save the world. And she had to save the Doctor. Her love for him kept her going, through every dodged explosion, through every chase from the Toclafane. The Doctor would never give up trying to save people. And neither would she.

“We’re here.” The driver curtly informed her. They were in the parking lot of a boarded up Wal-Mart. “Entrance is in back. Unmarked door. Put up your hands so they know you’re not a hostile.”  
“Got it, thanks.” She grabbed her bag and jumped out. 

Inside, she was escorted to meet Simon, the leader of the safe house. “Martha Jones, I’ve heard so much about you.” He was an imposing man in his mid-thirties, with a muscular build. “They say you have a special weapon?”

She nodded. “I’ll show all of you, later.” The weapon was a decoy to throw off any of the Master’s spies. How many people are here?”

“About ninety. Rescuing more all the time.” He looked smug. “Would you like something to eat? We’ve got a good stash of canned goods and MREs.”

“That would be great, thanks.” She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had an actual meal. Two, maybe three days ago? She was led to what had probably been the employee breakroom, and given a bowl of soup. 

While she was eating, two women approached her, one of them being the blonde who had let her in. One asked, “Umm, hi. Sorry to bother you. We heard you’re a doctor?”

“Med student, actually. Or I was.” She added hastily. “Is there anything I can do to help?” A safe house this big might have their own doctor, but most of them didn’t. She carried a makeshift medical bag with her and did what she could whenever possible.

“Our friend Celia has been having some chest pain. Could you take a look at her?”

She got up, soup half-eaten. “Take me to her.” She couldn’t do for someone having a heart attack, it had been drilled into her through countless medical rotations to take chest pain seriously. 

Martha examined Celia in a makeshift dorm area. She was 20, though to Martha, she looked younger, with her wide blue eyes and long, straight brown hair. Other than mild asthma as a child, she had no significant medical history. It was highly unusual to see chest pain in someone that young. 

“When did the chest pains start?” Martha asked.

“A couple of weeks ago?” she shrugged. “Hard to keep track of time these days.”

“I know what you mean.” She pulled her stethoscope out of her bag. “I need to listen to your heart, okay? I’m going to slip this under your blouse. It’s going to be cold, I’m sorry.”

She nodded. Martha placed the stethoscope under the thin material, and as she did, she caught a glimpse of severe bruising near her collarbone. Her eyes widened. “Celia, what happened?! How did you get those?!”

She turned away, and mumbled, “I don’t remember.”

Martha tried to focus on her heart sounds, but remained alarmed. She’d seen numerous injuries in the past two months. But everyone she’d treated had been forthcoming about how they’d been hurt. She was hiding something. 

She withdrew the stethoscope. “Your heart sounds normal. But I need to know how you got that bruising. Did somebody hurt you?” 

Still looking away, she said in a low voice. “It was Simon. He wanted me…and I got angry when I refused him.”

“How long has this been happening?”

“Shortly after the attack. He took me in, said he’d protect me. At first it was great, he’s really handsome. I was in love with him, and I thought he loved me. But then I found out what he was doing it with some other girls, and I got mad.” She shook “Please don’t say anything to him, or he’ll kick me out.”

Martha was furious. How dare he take advantage of her like that! “Look, I can get you out of here. I’m headed to Mexico City in the morning. You can come with me. I can take you to a different safe house.” 

Celia gave her a sad smile. “I’m sorry, I can’t. He’ll know..and he’ll take it out on the others. It’s okay though. I can put up with it for a while. You’re going to save us all, right? I just need something for the chest pain.” 

“Right, I am.” Trying to control her shaking, she said. “Does the chest pain get worse, when you’re…with him?” 

“Yeah.”

“Probably anxiety. I’ve got some tranquilizers.” She reached into her bag for a bottle. She didn’t have many, and benzos could be habit forming, but she couldn’t leave this poor girl with nothing. “Take one of these when you feel the chest pain. No more than once every four hours. Whoever is in charge of scavenging here, see if there are any pharmacies that haven’t been ransacked yet.”

“Thank you.” She said quietly, looking down. “I should get back to work-he has a fit if we leave our posts.” She scurried away.

Martha walked around the empty shelves, trying to calm herself down. _He’s using a system to protect people as his personal fucking harem. And beating them! The Doctor would never have…_

She stopped, frozen.

No, the Doctor had never laid a hand on her. But everything in their relationship, if you could call it that was always on his terms. Sex when he wanted it, the way he wanted it. Secrecy; she couldn’t even tell her sister. All the things she had done for him. She knew the Doctor didn’t love her, but she had secretly hoped he would, at some point. But now she realized that was never going to happen; she was being used for sex, just as Celia was. She was so stupid for not seeing it earlier. How could she debase herself like that?

 _I can put up with it for a while_. Celia’s words echoed in her brain. Isn’t that what she had told herself, countless times with the Doctor?

An older woman in her forties approached her “Martha! There you are! We’re ready for the meeting!” 

Martha followed her to the front of the store, trying to calm down. She still had a job to do. She stood in front of the assembled crowd, wondering how many of them were being used in the same manner. Avoiding Simon’s gaze, she put on her best fake smile and told them about the Doctor. How wonderful he was, and how he’d saved the Earth again and again. And how she loved him. 

—  
 _London, 2007_

Martha was in her mum’s house, a place she thought she’d never see again. She and the Doctor had defeated the Master, destroyed the paradox machine, undoing the destruction and death he had caused. Nobody would remember it except for her and the survivors on the _Valiant_.

The fight may be over, but a war was brewing inside her. The Doctor had saved the day, that her family was alive (whether they’d be all right remained to be seen). But her fury was boiling over. And it wasn’t just what she’d learned about herself and their relationship that year. Rather than punishing the Master, the Doctor talked about taking care of him. About not being alone. What was she, then?! It could have been all three of them traveling together if Lucy Saxon hadn’t shot him.

She saw the TARDIS outside. Time had reversed itself, but there was no going back from what she’d seen and felt. She excused herself and went to see him. 

She found him in the seat by the console. He jumped up, ran to hug her, and said “Right! Where are we off to?” 

She pushed him away, and for the first time in many months, her facade dropped. She spit out the words. “It’s over. I’m done.”

“Okay.” He nodded. “I know it was a long year…”

“Shut up! It’s not that!” she cried. “It’s everything you did to me! I had to be your _plaything_ , your servant…and then you showed more affection towards that psychopath” she pointed up at the sky, “than you ever did for me! I loved you! How could you do that?!”

“You could have said no at any time!” he shouted back. “But you didn’t…because you wanted it. You loved it.”

She saw the fury in his eyes. _Fire and ice and rage_. But after the devastation she’d seen, the countless slaughtered, she was no longer afraid of him. “Are you really that daft, you didn’t realize what I was feeling?”

“Of course I knew! But I told you from the beginning, I didn’t want a relationship! You knew that! I thought you were fine with it!” 

“So did I. But I can’t do this. Not anymore.” She turned away, ready to leave, when she felt his hand on her shoulder.

“Martha, wait. Please.” She turned around. “I’m sorry. Sometimes…I forget how humans can be, how easily they form attachments. I should have stopped when I realized.” He looked sheepish.

She felt her rage ease with his apology. “I’m sorry too. I should have spoken up before.” 

“We both fucked up, didn’t we?” He gave her a small smile. “Look, will you come with me, again? Just as friends, strictly as friends, I promise.”

She shook her head. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, I do. But I’m still…I still _love_ you. And I’ll never get past it as long as I’m with you. It’s not just that, either. I need to look after Mum and Dad and Tish. They’ve just seen half their planet devastated.” 

“Right.” His tone was resigned. “Will I see you again?”

“Yeah, I think so.” She reached in her pocket and handed him her phone. “I’ll give you a call.”

She walked out of the TARDIS, head held high. As she heard the groan of his ship dematerializing, she thought of his expression as she left, of great loneliness. A small smile escaped her lips and she thought, _It’s no longer my burden to bear_.


	3. Captain Jack

_Cardiff, Wales, UK 2006_

The Doctor shoved his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the wall outside Captain Jack’s flat, trying not to think of what had happened earlier that day. 

He’d landed on a transport ship of humans headed to a new colony planet in the 33rd century. The ship had been attacked by Ice Warriors, angry about the terraforming and colonization of Mars. Their plan was to hijack the transport and kill all the colonists at Loma 2, the destination planet. He’d managed to stop them from getting Loma 2, but the transport ship had been destroyed, killing everyone on board. He would have been gone too, if he hadn’t gotten to the TARDIS in the nick of time. Once again, he had not been fast enough or clever enough to save them. Every soul on board that ship, all three thousand of them, weighed heavily on him. He thought of the colonists on the planet, waiting for their loved ones who would never arrive.

There was only one thing that was going to get him through this, something to completely occupy his brain and his body, to keep him distracted from what he’d done. To not be alone. To lose himself in someone else who adored him, the good, brave Doctor who saved everyone. The issue was, he didn’t have anyone.  
He’d been alone for months, since Martha left. He briefly considered going to her, but she’d made herself very clear that she couldn’t do that with him anymore. Rose was trapped in another universe. He shook his head. Martha was right. It was a terrible thing he’d done to both of them, leading them on. He’d decided, after she left, he would never do it again. But the temptation was so strong, especially on days like this one. 

Then it occurred to him: Captain Jack! He was so thick in his old age, why hadn’t he thought of it before? Jack wasn’t some love-addled girl. They could have a good time, no strings attached, no expectations, no declarations of lifelong love. He also had the advantage of being immortal, so the Doctor could come back as many times as he needed to; a perfect arrangement. Not to mention he was incredibly handsome. The Doctor preferred women, but he’d been with any number of genders. Time Lords didn’t have the ridiculous limitations some species put upon themselves. And human men could be brilliant in the sack. He closed his eyes and briefly thought of Jamie. Nothing under that kilt but firm buttocks.

His pulses quickened as he saw the familiar figure in the long grey coat stride down the hallway. 

“Doctor?” his eyes brightened in recognition. “What brings you by?”

“I need you.” he spoke quickly.

“Of course! What’s happening? Want me to call my team?” he reached in his coat pocket for his phone, but the Doctor grabbed his wrist with one hand, and placed the other on his ass.

“No. Just you.” 

Jack flashed him a huge smile. “I thought you’d never ask.”

\--

The next few moments were a blur of desperate kissing and stumbling towards the bedroom, discarding clothes along the way. It was exactly what he needed, feeling Jack hard against him through his boxer shorts. He moaned as Jack bit his nipples, glided his tongue across his body. He forgot everything but the pleasure he was feeling.

He yanked down Jack’s shorts and started stroking him, watching him gasp in ecstasy, his head thrown back. “Doctor,” he said between breaths “I’ve wanted this-wanted you-for so long.” He looked down at the Doctor’s naked body “God, you’re sexy.”

And he looked the Doctor in the eyes. And he realized, it felt... _wrong_.

There was desire, and lust, yes. But none of the admiration, none of the love, he’d seen with the girls. And it snapped him out of the moment. Jack knew him. Knew what kind of person he was, knew what he was capable of. He’d seen too much, lived too long, to see him the way he wanted to be seen.  
He stopped and sat up. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Jack, bewildered, looked down at him. “What’s wrong, Doctor?” He carefully added, “Would Viagra help? I’ve got some in the nightstand if you...”

 _“I don’t need fucking Viagra!”_ he cried. He reached for his boxers, quickly pulling them on. 

“Did I do something wrong?” The lust in his eyes had been replaced by hurt. “Anything I can do?”

“Don’t do anything!” he shouted, hoping rage would cover his embarrassment. He raced around the apartment, untangling his clothes from Jack’s. Jack got up and tried to put his hands on his shoulders, but he pulled away. 

As he stepped into his trousers, he said sternly, “Do not tell _anyone_ about what happened here, do you understand? “

Confused and defeated, Jack could only nod. 

After hastily buttoning his shirt, the Doctor grabbed his coat and walked out of the flat without another word.


	4. Donna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set immediately following “The Fires of Pompeii”. References a few Classic Series characters.

The silence hung heavy in the air as the Doctor steered the TARDIS. It was unusual-perhaps unprecedented-for him and Donna. The images replayed in his mind of the Pompeians, running senselessly, futilely. And the burning. So much burning. The smell of burnt flesh, the screaming. He’d only had a glimpse tonight, but he remembered from before. He felt raw, like a bleeding wound. He tried to put on a nonchalant face for Donna, but his eye twitched. 

She walked over to him. “Hey” Her voice was soft.

“Hey,” He glanced at her, keeping his focus on the controls.

“Are you all right?” Her brow furrowed, studying him. 

“Yeah.” He responded quickly, willing himself to hold the lever steady. He focused on the flow of time, the steady current which flowed through him and around him. Constant, unchanging, intangible while at the same time feeling as solid as a rock. 

“You’re full of it.” She crossed her arms. “Oi! Men! They can never talk about their feelings, even when they’re from space!” She put a hand over his. “What’s happening with you?” 

“It’s okay, Donna. We saved the Caecilius family,” He forced a smile, gripping tight to the console lever. “You were right. Saving one person can make a difference.”

“Yeah, I’m right.” She nodded. “But you are clearly still bothered! Were they the wrong people to save? Do they mess up the time streams?”

“No.” He stopped the TARDIS and turned to face her. If he was going to travel with someone again, he owed her more than tight-lipped reassurances. “Just because Pompeii was a fixed point..doesn’t make it any easier. Thousands dead, and I couldn’t save them.” The words erupted forth. “There have been many, so many people, that I wasn’t able to save. Because of fixed points or because I wasn’t fast enough, or clever enough, to figure out a way to save them.” He sighed. “It’s the burden of being the last of my kind. Almost every day, I wish the others were here. I didn’t have to carry the burden myself. Someone better…” he trailed off. 

Donna moved her hand to his shoulder. “And how many of those other Time Lords showed up on Earth to save us from alien invasions? None, last I counted.” 

“Donna, you’ve spent your whole life oblivious to alien invasions…” He tried to interrupt.

“But I’m right, aren’t I? It’s just you.”

“Well, there’s been a few” he admitted. Romana had come to Earth with him, and Professor Chronotis had preferred a quiet life at university. “But..yeah. They didn’t act on such a grand scale.” 

“Which makes you better than all of them.” She smiled, and the Doctor saw what he had seen so many times before-the look of admiration, the shining eyes, the willingness to do anything for him. A dangerous look. And although he’d sworn to himself, _never again_ , he found himself leaning forward to kiss her…

…only to be pushed back and slapped across the face. Hard. “OW!” he cried. She was much stronger than she looked. 

“Doctor! What the hell?!” she screamed. “Is that what you wanted me for?! I told you, I am definitely not here for any of that nonsense!” She stomped out of the console room.

“Donna! Come back!” he shouted after her, still clutching the side of his face, but she kept going. 

—  
The Doctor left the TARDIS stopped in space, and was in the kitchen having some tea and pondering the mess he’d made of things. Perhaps she was wrong; it was better to travel alone. He was constantly doing this-rescuing strangers while damaging the people he cared about most.

“There you are.” Donna’s tone was subdued as she entered the kitchen. He let out a deep exhale at her noticeably calmer demeanor. 

“I’m sorry” he told her. “I just thought…you wanted to…”

“What part of ‘You’re not mating with me’ was so hard to get through your thick skull?!” she exclaimed.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked cautiously.

“Not a chance. We’ve got a whole universe to see, right?” she grinned. 

“Yeah. We do.” 

“But just keep one thing in mind. If you ever, _ever_ , try that again, I will rip off your tallywacker or whatever alien thing you have in your trousers and run it through a meat grinder! Is that understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” He couldn’t help but smile. “I promise.”


	5. Rose (II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during “Journey’s End”, while the TARDIS is towing Earth across the galaxy.

For once, it was a smooth trip in the TARDIS, thanks to all the extra hands, and the perfect calculations from Mr. Smith and K9. The Doctor glanced around the room, and his hearts swelled. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had so many of his friends in one place. It would have been brilliant if they could have all stayed, but they had homes and careers and lives they needed to return to. 

Or, in one case, should.

Rose would go wherever he went, do whatever he asked, put up with any treatment, without complaint, despite everything he had done to her. Either she’d be killed or grow resentful, and he wasn’t sure what was worse. 

He had patched things up with Martha ages ago-her engagement helped. And she’d help him see what he’d been doing with his companions was shameful. Exploitative. Unhealthy for both of them. After that one moment of weakness with Donna, he hadn’t tried anything with her again. But Rose…she tugged at his hearts the way very few humans had. He wasn’t…no, he shook his head at the thought. He was simply overly attached. 

He stepped away from the console walked over to the wall, where his double was standing with Donna. “Could you take over for a few minutes?” he asked her. 

“You bet.” Donna-rather, DoctorDonna-took his place at the console. She was probably a better pilot than he was now. He’d never hear the end of it-if she lived. It remained to be seen how the metacrisis would ultimately affect her. But for the moment, she was fine, and he had a more pressing matter to attend to.

He pulled aside the other Doctor, the human Doctor, and spoke in a hushed voice. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” His other self glanced in Rose’s direction, and the Doctor looked back. Rose, steering the TARDIS, as happy as he’d ever seen her. Chatting with the others. Joking with Mickey. She caught his glance and gave them a huge smile. He turned back to his clone.

“There’s no way I’m going to be able to stay away from her.” He frowned. “But I would destroy her.” 

“And you wouldn’t want to watch her…” his other self left the thought unfinished. 

“I need to send her back. You should go with her. You can grow old together.”

He looked skeptical. “I’d love that…but will she accept me?” 

“Of course she will. You’re me.” 

“Not really though.” The other Doctor maintained his doubtful expression.

“A human copy. You’ll be able to be what she deserves.” He sighed. Arguing with his selves was always annoying. 

“Doctor? There’s something pinging over here.” Martha called. 

“Be right there.” Before heading to her, he turned back to his clone with a final instruction:

_“Tell her what she needs to hear.”_


	6. Amy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will rewrite the end of “Flesh and Stone” and reference the events of/be set during “Cold Blood”, “The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang”, “The Impossible Astronaut”, “A Good Man Goes to War”, “Let’s Kill Hitler”, “The Wedding of River Song”, “Asylum of the Daleks”, and “The Angels Take Manhattan”.

_Alfava Metraxis, 51st Century_

The Doctor paced around the console room; it helped him think. The Weeping Angels had fallen into the crack in the universe, but why was there a crack in the universe? Not a clue. Did River know more than she was letting on? Most likely, yes. How dangerous was she? Very, if she was in Stormcage. But first and foremost question: was Amy okay? She was safe, yes, but she’d had quite a scare. 

She was huddled in a blanket on the floor, shivering even though it wasn’t cold. Well, he didn’t think it was cold. His dear Amy Pond, traveling through time with her imaginary friend. It had been so nice to travel with someone again after so much time alone. Especially a someone with long legs and wide brown eyes…he stopped himself. _Don’t go there_ , he thought, though he’d been increasingly been going there as of late. It had been a long time. 

He pushed those thoughts aside, and went to her, _strictly for comfort_ , he told himself. “Are you all right?”

She looked up at him. “I nearly died. I was alone in the dark, and I nearly died.” 

“I'm sorry, Amy.” He said with remorse. “But the Angels can’t hurt you any more. They’re gone. You’re safe.” He hugged her, taking in her scent and feeling the warmth of her body. 

She pulled back slightly and studied his face. “I know, it’s just that…it made me think.”

“Well, yes, natural. I think sometimes. Well, lots of times.” he admitted. In fact, he was usually thinking about a dozen different things at once. Right now, in addition to this conversation, he was thinking of the crack in the universe, that the TARDIS was making a funny sound when it went through dust clouds and he should take a look at it for problems, and the next time he went to Tesco, he should get more Jammy Dodgers.

“About what I want…and who I want. You know what I mean?” she gave a seductive grin.

“Yeah. No.” 

“About…who I want?”

“Oh, right.” He grinned back eagerly. “No, still not getting it.” _She’s not saying what I think she is, is she?_

“Doctor, in a word. In one very simple word you can understand.” She leaned forward and kissed him. 

At first he thought he should push her back, but her slim body felt so good against his, the taste of her was intoxicating. _Just this once_ , he thought, and then there was no thinking for a while.

—  
Later…

“YOU’RE MARRIED?!” he cried.

“Technically, not until tomorrow morning!” She sat up in bed, holding the sheet to her chest. 

The Doctor rolled out of bed and grabbed his trousers, scrambling to put them on. “Who’s the lucky fellow?”

“You met him.” She smiled coyly.

“The good looking one?” Shirt buttoned, he reached for his braces.

“The other one.”

“Well, he was good too.” He looked at her. “Amy, this cannot happen again. Do you understand?”

“Wasn’t it good for you?” she fluttered her eyelashes.

“No! Well, yes, it was very good, but that’s not the point! Why would you do this,” he pointed to the bed, “if you’re engaged?”

She paused for a moment “Rory is great. He really is. But he’s just…dependable. Stable. And then you came flying into my life with your magic box and you’ve showed me all these things. I just..wanted a little bit of excitement before I settled down. Nothing long-term.” 

He tied his bow tie, giving it a little tug. “Amy, we need to get you straightened out. Where is Rory, the night before your wedding?”

“Having his bachelor party. Nothing too wild.” 

“Get dressed. Let’s go pay him a visit.” He started towards the door. 

“You’re not going to tell him, are you?” she frowned.

“No, I won’t.” He wouldn’t say a thing. _Rule Number One: The Doctor lies_. “I’ll meet you in the console room in five minutes.”

—  
The Doctor invited Rory to travel with them. It started out as a way to keep him from temptation, but he found he genuinely liked Rory. He was smart, he was caring, and he treated Amy like a queen. He was madly in love with her and would do anything for her, which is exactly what she should have. Not an old man running around the universe in a police box. Occasionally Amy would give him a knowing glance, or catch him staring at her legs and would wink at him. But otherwise, her attention was focused on Rory. 

Until he died, and then stopped existing, having fallen through the crack in the universe. Then her attentions were entirely focused on him. And the Doctor found himself giving in to temptation. Often. 

—  
 _42nd Century, New Mars_

“Come along, Pond.” The Doctor pulled her by the hand through the crowd. They were in a large city at night, with so many species she’d lost count. Despite the late hour, the weather was warm, and the species that were present were wearing little clothing, if they wore any at all.

“What is this place, Doctor?” she asked. He’d said very little upon arriving on this planet. He seemed to have a single-minded focus.

“It’s a surprise.” He grinned. “Trust me.” 

They stopped at a blue building that appeared to be made of clay. Inside was crowded with a countless number of species. Amy followed the Doctor with difficulty through the dim light. He headed to the center of the building and had an animated conversation with what appeared to be a massive brown creature with huge eyes and six tentacles. She couldn’t hear what he was saying over the din of the room. Then he led her to a small, empty room. 

“Glisilla will be here in five minutes. You should get undressed.” He shrugged out of his jacket.

“Wait, what are we doing now?” she looked at him quizzically.

“Don’t waste time, she charges by the minute.” 

It suddenly occurred to her. “Doctor, did you bring me to a brothel?” 

“Yes!” he looked eager, like a child getting a present on Christmas morning.

“And we’re going to…with the tentacle thing?”

“Don’t call her a tentacle thing. That’s offensive.” He frowned.

This wasn’t what she’d signed up for. “I don’t think I want to fuck an alien.” 

“Pond, you _are_ fucking an alien. This one just looks a little different.” 

She tried a different tactic. She walked over to him and cupped his chin. “What if I watched?” 

“Sorry, she only sees couples. This is going to be amazing. I promise.” 

She gave up and slowly stepped out of her boots. She still wasn’t convinced, but she did trust him. She braced herself for the tentacle thing to come oozing through the door.

—

_Late June, 2010_

The last few days had been unbelievable, Amy thought. Here she was, flying through time and space with Rory and the Doctor. She had a vague recollection of something…naughty…happening with the Doctor beforehand. Actually, lots of naughty things. The Doctor had explained to her about rebooting the universe and her being trapped in the Pandorica for two thousand years. She had vague recollections about that too. She found herself staring at the Doctor, snatches of memory came back to her. 

She mentioned it to him, one night, when they were talking alone. “Did that really happen?” she asked.

“Yeah. Yeah it did. It was amazing.” He gave her a sly smile. 

He moved closer to her. She felt herself growing warm. She should get up. She should leave. She didn’t. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t stay away from you, Pond.” He stroked her hair. “I nearly lost you. Nearly lost us. Can’t let that happen again.”

“Doctor, I don’t think we should…” but she was cut off, and she gave in. More than willingly.

\--  
 _Fall 2010_

Amy laid in bed until Rory was asleep. She untangled herself from his limbs, slipped out of the top bunk, and made her way to the Doctor’s study. He got up from his desk.

“What took you so long?” He asked, putting his arms around her waist.

“I had to make sure he was out.” She kissed him. Try as she might, she couldn’t keep her hands off the Doctor. _I have Rory and my family and my friends,_ she thought. _He’s all alone, the last of his kind. He needs me._

“Always with the Rory.” He sighed.

“Is that why you gave us bunk beds?” 

“Who wouldn’t want bunk beds?” he asked, eyes wide as he ran his hands under her nightshirt. 

“Never mind.” She shivered at his touch. “I shouldn’t be here. Not at all.”

“You always say that, and yet you keep coming back.” He grinned.

“It’s just that…it’s wrong, you know? I’m a terrible wife.” 

The Doctor mumbled something she didn’t catch, though she made out something about “cheating” and “ganger”. “What was that, Doctor?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.” He slid a hand up her thigh “Speaking of which, you seem awfully tense tonight. Anything I should know about?”

She groaned, trying to focus. “There is one thing. We stopped….using protection a couple months ago.”

“Protection? What kind of protection do you need?” he looked confused. “I’ve got energy shields, stasis bubbles…”

“No! We’re trying to have a baby!” She couldn’t figure out how he could be so clever and so thick at once. “Is there anything I need to worry about…from you?” 

“Ohhhh! No, no, Pond. We can’t interbreed. Good thing too.” His expression was unreadable, a mix of sadness and joy. “Now, let’s get you nice and relaxed….eventually.”

—  
 _London, UK  
Spring 2012_

Amy tossed and turned. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since she returned from Demon’s Run. 

She’d been kidnapped by the Silence, who had stolen her baby and raised her to be a murdering sociopath. If she’d never met the Doctor, if she hadn’t agreed to travel with him, this never would have happened. Maybe it’s what she deserved because of her ongoing affair with him. But Rory didn’t. 

_I am a terrible person,_ she thought. _I’ve done shitty things to Rory and Melody, and for such selfish reasons._.

When he’d dropped her and Rory off last year, she had assumed for months he had died, after all, at Lake Silencio. She’d been devastated, but a part of her was relieved. Rory never needed to know. When she saw him next, at Christmas, she intended to tell him they were finished, but he grabbed for her as soon as they were alone.

She heard the familiar groan of the TARDIS and was only vaguely surprised to see it materializing in her bedroom, even though it was 3am. The Doctor had been getting increasingly brazen lately, stopping by the house. He’d looked at Rory’s work schedule, and stopped by whenever he was at hospital. He hadn’t taken them anywhere in ages, instead leaving when he got what he wanted. She felt awful about it, especially after what happened with Melody, but she kept doing it. Had kept doing it. She steeled her resolve as she got out of bed to face him.

“Pond!” he smiled. “You’re wearing my favorite nightie. Not wearing any knickers under that, are you?” he reached for the hem, but she slapped his hand away.

“No” she crossed her arms. “We’re done. Really, this time.”

“You always say that.” He scoffed.

“Do you realize how fucked up this is? I am cheating on my husband with my childhood imaginary friend, who is also married to my daughter! We’re like, material for Jeremy Kyle!” she took a step back from him. “You have ruined my life!”

He frowned. “Amy, you don’t mean that!”

“I do! I have almost gotten killed, so many times! I did, in fact, get killed!” The Doctor tried to interrupt, but she continued. “You know what I do, when you’re not here? I spent time with Rory, looking at him full of love for me, and I feel like shit because I’ve been lying to him all these years! I can barely look at myself in the mirror! _I lost our baby!_ I can’t have any more children, because of what happened! We will never have children!” 

She expected him to shout back, but instead he looked remorseful. “Amy, I’m sorry. I didn’t know about…”

“Yeah, well maybe you could have a conversation with me once in a while instead of hopping in the sack.” She snapped. 

Her eyes bore down on him. Neither spoke for a few minutes. “Okay, that was a little harsh.” she finally said.

“Just a little?” he asked.

“Yeah, just a little.” She managed a small smile. “I know you always try to keep us safe. It wasn’t your fault Melody was kidnapped. But…this really can’t go on. I’m losing my sanity.” 

“I should have never crashed into your backyard.” He replied.

“I know, neither of us meant for it to happen, but it did. And now it has to end.” She attempted another smile. “But we can still travel together, right?”

“Oh yeah, of course.” He assured her.

He got in the TARDIS and left, and she got the best night’s sleep she’d had in months. In the morning, she told Rory, between bouts of crying, she wanted a divorce.

The Doctor did not come back.   
—

_Dalek Asylum Planet_

“Amy, the basic fact of our relationship is that I love you more than you love me. Which today is good news because it might save both of our lives.” Rory told her.

Amy’s mind was a jumble. She was surrounded by Daleks, infected by their technology, and for the first time in months, face to face with the love of her life-Rory. Although the nanomachines were supposedly replacing her emotions for anger, she’d felt more of a gamut of feelings for the first time in ages.

She missed Rory more than she could have ever imagined. She’d tried filling the space without him with friends and new hobbies. She told herself she had a chance to try all the things he hated. But she went through her days mostly feeling numb. She’d kept telling herself it would get better with time, but she was just as mournful as the day she asked him to leave.

“Don’t you dare say that to me!” she cried. 

“You kicked me out!” he replied.

“You want kids, you have always wanted kids. Ever since you were a kid. And I can’t have them! Whatever they did to me at Demon’s Run, I can’t ever give you children. I didn’t kick you out, I gave you up!” It was true, she couldn’t have more children, but she wasn’t going to bring up the real reason she’d asked for a divorce. Especially since they’d need him to get off this planet.

Amy and Rory made up, the Doctor rescued them, and they went home together. She resolved to be truthful with Rory after that, though she vowed to never tell him about her affair. The Doctor came by to visit, but his visits became fewer and fewer. Amy often looked up at the sky, wondering if he’d genuinely enjoyed showing her the universe, or if he’d primarily been after her for other reasons.

—  
 _New York City, NY, USA, 1942_

Amy trudged up the three flights of stairs to their flat-apartment, she corrected herself. Her feet were aching after her ten hour shift. The streetcar had been packed, despite being nearly midnight. 

After being sent back in time by the Weeping Angels, she and Rory found each other. Their plan was to stay in the United States until the war was over. Save money to go back to England, to go home. Another three years. 

She unlocked the front door to find the entire place in disarray. Dirty dishes piled up in the sink, newspapers all over the kitchen table. He hadn’t even taken out the garbage. 

She found Rory in the living room, asleep on the couch, with the radio still on. She guessed he’d been listening to the Dodgers game and passed out. He’d become a fan of baseball lately. She was sorely tempted to wake him up and yell at him for not doing any housework. She was putting in long days, just like him. He needed to pull his weight.

She was about to shake him by the shoulders, but then stopped herself. How could she wake him? He worked so hard taking care of patients at Bellvue. Being chastised on a daily basis for doing “women’s work”, even though he was the best nurse they had. People would stop in the street and demand to know why he wasn’t off fighting the Germans. More often than not, she was tempted to tell them he’d already punched Hitler. _He’s never complained once about being stuck here. He gave me a second chance. I will never take that for granted._

Shoulders slumped, she shut off the radio. She went back to the kitchen to take care of the dishes.


	7. Clara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will reference the events of “The Name of the Doctor”, rewrite the end of “Deep Breath”, and reference “Time Heist”, “The Caretaker”, “Dark Water/Death In Heaven”, “The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar” and “Hell Bent”

_In the Doctor’s timestream, all of time and space_

“I just know I’m running. Sometimes it’s like I’ve lived a thousand lives in a thousand places. I’m born, I live, I die. And always, there’s the Doctor. Always I’m running to save the Doctor. Again and again and again.”

She had saved the Doctor. Every Doctor. In so many different places and times. The universe was saved. Jenny and Strax would live. And it didn’t matter that she probably wasn’t going to survive. The first thought she’d had, before she’d jumped into the Doctor’s time stream was _I have to do this, because the alternative was for him to die, I don’t want to live without him._

Love meant making enormous sacrifices.

—  
 _London, UK, 1890s_

“Clara, I’m not your boyfriend.” The grey-haired man informed her. 

“I never said you were.” They hadn’t talked about what kind of relationship they’d had…before, but she had thought of him that way sometimes. She was still trying to wrap her head around this new man being the Doctor. So old, so weathered, so acerbic. Even though she’d seen all of his other faces, it didn’t prepare her for what she was facing now. She wondered if this body was capable of some of the same acrobatic feats she’d done with his prior self. She smiled a little at the memory.

“I never said it was your mistake.” He set the TARDIS to take off, then spread out his coat. “What do you think?”

When she didn’t say anything, his lips curled. “That’s what I thought.” He turned away.

“Wait!” she reached for him. “This is just…”

“No, no, no, don’t make excuses.” He didn’t look at her. “You wanted the young, handsome, time traveler. Now that I look old, you’re done with me. That’s how all of you human women are. So shallow. No substance.”

“Excuse me, I am not like other women!” she snapped. 

He turned around “Are you sure about that?” He dared.

“Absolutely.” How dare anyone call her shallow? She’d show him. She’d show Madame Vastra. She’d show _everyone_.

“Prove it.” He put his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to her knees. He unzipped his pants.

“Are you sure we should be doing this while the TARDIS is in motion? Remember that time when…”

“Shut up.” He told her. 

—  
 _The Bank of Karabraxos_

 

Clara and Psi investigated the area outside the bank vault. Having had their memories wiped, they were now trying to rob the bank, for reasons they were unclear on. They’d already lost one accomplice, Saibra. Now they were trying to evade the Teller, the creature that would turn their brains into soup if it detected guilt. The Doctor had just headed in the other direction, having told off Psi, who had admonished him for not showing more feeling for Saibra’s death.

“Underneath it all, he isn’t really like that.” Clara assured him. 

“It’s very obvious you’ve been with him for a while.” He replied.

“Why?” 

“You’re good at making excuses for him.” 

Then the Doctor came back with a box, but the statement nagged at Clara, even while she was trying to avoid being captured by the Teller. The Doctor was a wonderful man, she loved with her whole heart, wasn’t he? Then why did that statement keep coming back to her?

She was reminded of a movie she’d seen on late night TV a while ago-she couldn’t remember the name. Where a character made a similar remark to a woman in an abusive relationship. _But that’s silly, the Doctor isn’t abusive. He’s a good man. Or he tries to be._ But then she thought of what she’d dealt with since his regeneration. The repeated insults. The belittling. The orders. And she saw it again and again here. Telling everyone to shut up.

She shuddered at the thought. A few of her students had come to her with relationship problems. As one of the younger teachers, they found her more relatable. She’d had a couple of girls with relationship problems that involved boyfriends getting jealous, being controlling, or yelling at them. She had told them emphatically they didn’t need to put up with that. And here she was doing the same thing. 

—  
 _London, UK, 2014_

Clara pushed her food around her plate. She wasn’t that hungry after having Chinese food with the (thankfully alive) Saibra, Psi, and the Doctor, and Psi’s words will still echoing through her thoughts.

“I hope I’m not boring you.” Danny smiled at her, with a hint of worry.

“No! Not at all.” Clara gave him a smile. “Just thinking of all the essays on Oscar Wilde I’m going to have to grade later. You have it easy, teaching maths. Answers are right or wrong. Black and white.”

Danny chuckled. “Oh, right, having to read the kids’ chicken scratches on exams? Having them argue for partial credit? Trust me, there’s plenty of grey areas in maths. Last week Courtney Woods tried to convince me she’d written a 9 when it was clearly an x.” 

She made a decision. The Doctor had told her up front, of course, she could date and sleep with whoever she liked. But she expected Danny was a little more conventional. “I’m also,um, thinking about something else. And it will sound a little odd.” 

“What is it?” 

She put on the biggest smile she could muster. “Danny, I know this is only our second date, but I really like you, and I was wondering if you would like to be exclusive?”

“Yes! Yes I would!” he replied, a little too loudly. “Sorry, did that sound too eager?”

“No! Well, maybe a little,” she reached out for his hand.

“Clara, nothing would make me happier.” He was beaming. “Do you want to order a bottle of wine?”

“Yeah! Let’s celebrate!” She looked around for the waiter. She wasn’t sure how the Doctor was going to react to this news, but she suspected the answer would be: not good. He looked unhappy whenever she said she was going on a date, and often tried tempting her into going with him to check out whatever planet or thing he’d stumbled upon, with the promise she’d be back in time. Most of the time, he kept that promise. But she’d figure out how to manage the Doctor later.

—  
Two nights later, Clara came home to find the Doctor in her living room, his feet propped up on the coffee table and surrounded by a mess of books.

“Clara! What took you so long?!” he asked. “I’ve been here for ages. I’m bored. You should really get some better books.”

“I stopped for groceries on the way home. Get your feet off the coffee table! Who knows what kind of muck you’ve tracked in here!” She went into the kitchen to put down her grocery bags. The Doctor followed her, putting a hand on her back. She shrugged it off.

“What is it?” he asked.

She turned around, facing him. “Why are you here?” 

He winked at her.

“No. I have a boyfriend now.” She told him.

“What? No. No you don’t.” He looked cross. “Why would you want that? Why would _he_ want that?” 

“He doesn’t constantly insult me, for one.” She crossed her arms.

“Who is he?”

“He’s a good man. That’s all you need to know.” She hadn’t told Danny about the Doctor yet. She hadn’t quite had the right opportunity. And she didn’t want the Doctor to go around pestering him.

The Doctor frowned. “Do you love him?”

“It’s a bit early to say that, don’t you think?”

“This doesn’t make any sense, Clara. Like I said, why would give us up for him?”

“There is no ‘us’, Doctor. There never has been.” Her eyes were full of fire. “He’s giving me something you won’t.” 

“Can’t.”

“Can’t, won’t. Same difference.”

“It isn’t. Not really.” Then he was quiet. Clara wondered, briefly, if he would leave her for good, and she felt slightly panicked. 

Finally he said, “So, I found a planet where water falls upwards. Wanna see?” 

“Yeah.” She tried not to sound relieved. She followed him to the TARDIS, parked in her bedroom as usual, even though she still had five more Oscar Wilde essays to grade. Nothing was going to keep her from maintaining this part of her relationship with the Doctor, not boyfriends, not work obligations, nothing.

“Are you going to introduce me to him?” he asked as they stepped through the doors.

“Yeah. Eventually.” 

“He can’t come with us. I’ve done that before, and there were…complications.” 

“No complications.” She had no idea how she was going to introduce them, but she suspected it wouldn’t go well.

She and Danny had several happy months together. He didn’t make her heart surge the way the Doctor did, but he was kind. Patient. Reliable. Sometimes she thought Danny and the Doctor would get along nicely, and was tempted to tell him, but something held her back.

When the Skovox Blitzer appeared in the school and the Doctor met Danny, it went worse than she could have imagined.

—  
 _London, UK, Early 2015_

Clara entered the TARDIS warily, but tried to sound upbeat. She and the Doctor hadn’t seen each other much since that whole awfulness at Christmas with the dream crabs. He’d told her he didn’t find Gallifrey, and she told him Danny was dead, but they hadn’t really talked about either of those things. He’d gone missing for months, and it wasn’t until Missy had reunited them that she’d seen him again. 

“Hey, can we go see Jane Austen today?” she asked, putting on a smile. “Haven’t seen her in ages.”

His tone was mocking. “Clara, what’s wrong? No new dates lately?”

“What?!” she felt herself blushing.

“You only ask to see Jane when you’re horny.” He rolled his eyes. 

“I do not!” She retorted. “We also talk about writing…and literature…and 18th century fashion.”

“There wasn’t a lot of talking the last time I saw you two together. Not much in the way of clothing either.” he remarked. “This is a time machine, not a whorehouse.”

“Okay, fine!” Clara restrained herself from shouting. “What do you suggest we do instead?”

“Well, if you’re feeling in the mood…” he grinned.

“No. Absolutely not!” 

“Oh, come on, Clara. We both know what you want. What’s stopping you?”

What was stopping her? She told herself it was about respect. But truth was, she’d missed being with the Doctor. Danny, for all of his strengths, was not particularly skilled or imaginative in bed. And sometimes, with Danny, she’d close her eyes and imagine he was the Doctor. More than sometimes, in fact. She felt bad about it afterwards, especially since Danny was so eager to please.

_Poor Danny_ , she frowned. _Died senselessly and then converted to a Cyberman._ The only actual boyfriend she’d had that loved her. What did she have left? 

The Doctor smirked. “I’ll be in the bedroom. Sixth door on the right.” He strutted out of the console room. 

Clara willed herself to stay put, but in the end, she trailed after him. Somehow, the Doctor knew her better than she knew herself. A voice in the back of her head told her she was being self-destructive. Well, best she do it herself. And who better to be self-destructive with than the most amazing man she’d ever known? 

—  
 _Clara and Ashildr’s TARDIS, sometime between heartbeats_

A strange beeping was coming from the TARDIS console. Ashildr studied the flashing lights. “Do you know what that is?” 

“Not a clue. Never used one of these old style consoles before.” Clara’s brow furrowed. “Should we check the monitor?”

Ashildr turned on the monitor and pressed a few of the controls they were familiar with. The stolen TARDIS had come with a manual, but it was 5000 pages long and written in Gallifreyan. She’d been reading it, bit by bit. She had all the time there was, she’d said. 

“Ohhh…you’ll never guess what it is…it’s a TARDIS detection system!” she smiled, and pointed to the monitor. A familiar blue police box was on the surface of a planet. “We’re about 0.5 light years away. Wanna go see him?” 

Clara’s shoulder’s slumped. “No.” 

“Why not? You’ve done nothing but talk about the Doctor for ages. How much you miss him. Repeating stuff he said, especially the insults.” 

“I could see him, but he wouldn’t see me.” She blinked back tears, thinking of their final encounter. The Doctor had looked at her without a trace of recognition. It was far too painful for her to experience ever again. 

“Are you sure?” Ashildr studied her face. 

After a pause, Clara said, “Yeah. I’m sure.” 

“Where to, then?”

Clara grabbed a lever and pulled. “As far away from here as possible.”


	8. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be set during “The Husbands of River Song” and “The Pilot”

_The Harmony and Redemption, 5343_

”You are the woman that loves the Doctor.” Flemming said. 

“Yes, I am. I’ve never denied it.” River held firm. “But whoever said he loved me back? He’s the Doctor. He doesn’t go around falling in love with people. And if you think he’s anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven’t the first idea of what you’re dealing with!”

And as impossible as it seemed, the Doctor saw River in a new light. They’d been seeing each other for ages, now. They’d have their fun and go their separate ways. But River didn’t talk much about her feelings. She’d said she loved him, sure, but she typically said whatever she needed to get her way. But to hear it now, not aware he was in her presence…she got him, in a way that most women didn’t. Many women (and some men) had fallen in love with him, but she was the rare one who _understood._ him.

River was still facing down Flemming and the cyborg. ”When you love the Doctor, it’s like loving the stars themselves! You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back!” 

It was time to drop the charade. “Hello, sweetie.” he smiled. 

He felt like he’d been given a gift. And he would hold onto that gift, as long as he could.

—  
_St. Luke’s University, Bristol, UK, 2017_

“Bill,” The Doctor grumbled. “I can’t believe you completely misunderstood quantum entanglement. This paper is rubbish!” They were sitting in his office during one of their tutoring sessions. 

“For one, I’m only on my second semester of physics, and two, you spent the last three lectures talking about lizards.” Bill crossed her arms. 

“Some of my best friends are lizards.” He retorted. “If you weren’t so busy making eyes at Delia, maybe you would have done better.”

Bill blushed. “Oh, no. You noticed?”

“Always. It helps you sit in the same row.”

“Do you think she likes me? I mean, it seems like she barely notices me.”

“Of course she does.” He had no idea if Delia was interested in her, but it would do Bill some good to take the chance. 

“Sir?” Nardole entered the office. “It’s time for your…other appointment.” 

“Oh, right.” The Doctor stood up. “Same time next week?” 

“Yeah. See you then.” Bill grabbed her books and left. 

The Doctor smiled as he watched her go. This was a good arrangement, him and Bill, sort of like old times, but without the complications. He told himself even if Bill was into men, he wouldn’t try anything with her. He was definitely done with that. He was too old. Seen too much. Caused too much trouble. 

Most days, he believed it. 

“Shall we head downstairs, sir?” Nardole tapped his foot.

“Let’s go.” They headed down to visit Missy. Eventually, he thought, he could get her to the point where she was willing to be…well, probably not a romantic partner, though he wasn’t ruling it out. But a companion. A friend. Someone who understood him, possibly even better than River had. He had another 900 years. He could pull it off. 

Unfortunately, he was wrong.


	9. Yaz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter takes place during “Arachnids in the UK” and _Devoted_ Chapter 1. Briefly references “It Takes You Away” and “The Tsuranga Conundrum”

_Park Hill Estate, Sheffield, UK  
2018_

“Yaz, you wanted to come home.” The Doctor reminded her.

”I want more of the universe. More of you. You’re like, the best person I’ve ever met.” Yaz said.

 _This is very bad_ , the Doctor thought as she looked at Yaz with that big dumb grin on her face. She recognized that look. She’d seen it too many times in the women she’d traveled with. She thought it might be different this time, as a woman, but apparently that hadn’t changed. Her response to that look hadn’t either.

She should have told Yaz: no. Go back to your job, to your family. Meet someone that will love you. But Yaz was so pretty and she had no way to refuse her without also turning down the guys. She suspected they’d ask a lot of questions or refuse to come if she didn’t allow Yaz aboard. Also, the Doctor _really_ didn’t want to travel alone again. The people in her life before were all gone-Missy, Nardole, Bill, Clara. _Clara_. She’d hadn’t remembered Clara for so long, and having the memory restored was like being hit with a ton of bricks. 

She kept her expression serious. “I can’t guarantee that you’re going to be safe.”

Yaz held her gaze. “We know.” 

And so she took the three of them aboard, and for a while, everything was fine. She thought it was helpful having multiple people this time. It prevented her from being alone with Yaz and acting on her desires. But as time went on, there were small things she did. Brushing up against her. Grabbing her hand as they went through a mirror that wasn’t a mirror. Shielding Yaz from a bomb, pressed up against her body, trying not to imagine what it would feel like in another context. 

But she managed to restrain herself. When things went well, she could channel her energy into being excited about technology, seeing new planets, and meeting new people.

And then, everything went terribly wrong. 

\--

_The TARDIS, 43rd century_

The building full of human slaves had exploded, killing all its inhabitants. She’d failed. Once again. Hundreds dead, because of her. She was supposed to _save_ people, not kill them. 

Not in the mood to talk to anyone, she’d retreated to her study after they’d returned to the TARDIS. She busied herself trying to make adjustments to the sonic, because it was better than dwelling on what happened. 

Then Yaz came in to talk to her, her soft hand against her cheek, telling her again, the Doctor was the best person she’d ever met. And giving her that look of love, admiration, and complete devotion.

Just like Clara.  
Just like Amy.  
Just like Martha.  
Just like Rose.

And the Doctor knows what she needs then. To lose herself in Yaz. Her tongue in Yaz’s mouth. To feel Yaz clenched around her fingers. To feel her shudder with pleasure. 

And, at least for a little while, to forget every single person she’s lost before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! If you've read this far, thanks. The story didn't quite turn out as well as I wanted it to, and I got stuck on Clara for a while. But I didn't want to abandon it, and I'm considering this story an experiment. And often experiments don't work the way you want them to, but you can still learn from them.


End file.
